Sunny Days and Stormy Nights, Part 2

I woke the next morning later than I wanted but still excited about working that I forgave myself for oversleeping. The day didn't start off with the same sort of bang. I searched for breakfast with Pop and ended up working on cleaning the kitchen. Then I went to my room to finish formatting before my sister came for a visit. She brought me a lot of clothing from her closet and wanted me to try them on so she could take what didn't work to Goodwill. I tried them on, finding some suits that fit nicely, thinking they'd work well for book signings.

Sarah said they'd go nicely for a job interview.

Which got my brain back on the merry-go-round of should I try to look for a job and if so, where and would that tie me down and how would that affect my writing, acting and general life. Should I just hang on a little longer and see if I can start selling the ebooks I've almost gotten published really well?

She asked if I wanted to go to goodwill with her, because she was going to drop off some boxes I've had waiting to go for weeks. So I said yes and we went to the car.

Then she said again, "I think God's preparing you for an office job with all those clothes."

And - in the way I normally do when family confronts something I'm already super stressed about I snap, "Can we not talk about jobs?"

And it goes down from there.

But God showed me a lot of things yesterday.

I snap at my sister too much, assuming everything she says is going to be critical.

I don't see what people do to be kind to me - like giving up clothing they liked so I would have nice things to wear.

I need to figure out how to be a family again and be involved in their lives as well.

I also got a reality check at how the world sees writers who aren't making much money and have no "real job." Now I'm back in the whirlwind of finding out how to be responsible and independent while investing time and energy into something that doesn't have immediate paybacks. I have to figure out where I want to settle down between Seguin and Palacios (or Hong Kong or Tin Buck Two).

I have to figure out what God wants me to be doing and how to be brave enough to follow him no matter what he says. To that aim, I set out today back to the river armed with only my Bible. I wish I could say that I had this great conversation where every verse I read made since, where I knew exactly what God was saying and thought it was all great and where fear and doubt didn't set in. I did wrestle with some things, giving them up to God whether or not they are bad in themselves or simply something that I was clinging onto more than God.

I prayed about sins and negative emotions that were ruling me.

I still don't know what to do about staying or leaving. I have to be here till the end of October because of the play. Though it looks like God's closing the CYT window for now. I'm not sure if it will open again later or why it was closed.

But I guess I'll keep on trying to make sure there's nothing keeping me from hearing God - and waiting to understand what He's saying.

And hope that soon, I'll figure out what I need to do next and be happy doing it.

But overall yesterday was a pretty awful day.

I had fun at rehearsal. We're dancing a real jitterbug in Wizard of Oz and I had a grand old time - though three hours of jitterbugging left me exhausted.

Today I cleaned my room, prayed and then spent some time talking to my brother who's in the same boat as I am.

My grandma's having surgery so soon I'm going with Pop to the hospital. I'll bring along my kindle to look over Across the Distance and make sure it's all ready to go if we have extra waiting time.

So here I am - half calm - half fretting. Feeling great about my books and terrible about my social life. Feeling uplifted and beaten down at the same time.

But I fully intend to have a good day.