This morning I woke and read the next piece in my chronological Bible. I've been sloshing through Numbers, exasperated between the cycle of the Israelites getting mad or bored or irritated at God and disobeying, which makes God turn around and make their lives harder than they have to be. In turns I go from wishing they could just behave so God could make good on His promise to lead them out of bondage and into the abundant life he wants to give them - and terrified of God because he's handing out these huge lists of detailed laws that would overwhelm me if I had to keep them. Or maybe it's because I know full well, that I act just like them and I don't like the thought of God sending down a blaze at the edge of camp to burn me up.
I set aside my Bible and reached to turn on my computer, planning on listening to yesterday's sermon while I clean my room and then - OH AND THEN - I can get onto all those wonderful plans that I came up with last night that is going to start making me all sorts of wonderful friends and begin selling my books like hotcakes. I'm not even so overwhelmed at the fact that I lost all my notes for changes in Swing and thus have to start reading the entire book over again when I was 70% done with it already.
But something happened. I felt like God was saying, "Don't do that."
Now, when I get a seemingly random command from God that goes against something I'm excited about, I seem to have several reactions all at once.
My first is a startled, childishish, "Why not?"
My second is a flood of answers - some from God, some from me.
My third is the worst. "He doesn't want you to. He doesn't have to give a reason or tell you what to do instead. He's going to take this from you. Maybe you've spent too much time on it. Maybe he wants to show himself strong in the book sales so he gets the glory. Would you give God the glory if you sold millions of books??"
"Why, yes... I ... I would..." *Suddenly pictures self on some TV show going, "I didn't have to do a THING! God sold those books for me. It's all because of what he did and I just sat around for a year until the timing was right and they magically took off."
"Why, yes...." My answer changes, "As long as I could find a non-hokey way to do it."
"Would you really?"
"I... I think so. Does this mean I can't work on my plans though? I mean surely I should be working on SOMETHING."
Then the sinister little voice creeps into my head. 'What if he doesn't WANT you to write those books? What if He's going to tell you not to publish any of them and you'll have to explain to the world that there will be no sequel to Sentarra and when Kael and Tehveor and Darshon pop into your head, you'll have to send them away? What if he has a completely different idea for what you are to do with your life that has nothing to do with your passions? What if He's going to lead your life into something that you hate and you'll be miserable doing but you'll carry on knowing that it's His will? Or what if he does lead you into a life of blessing and abundance but he makes you wander in circles for years before letting you in?"
"Or what if you promise that you'll do what he says - and then break it. It's better not to promise than to break it - even God says that."
And before I know it, I'm paralyzed with fear and distress. Perhaps God doesn't intend any of that at all. Perhaps I misunderstood. Perhaps he means he wants me to do something else for the next hour or day.
And even though I'm reminded that God doesn't give a spirit of fear - but Satan does - and likely Satan is pouring all of these thoughts of sacrificial misery into my head - reminding me of when I was a child and my mom told me that we would be the happiest when we were in God's will.
It horrified me. I was sure we WERE in God's will and I was miserable, feeling like I had to perform all the time and couldn't tell people who I really was. I saw my Dad throwing up from stress caused by his job at the church. If this was the happiest I was ever going to be, I wasn't sure I wanted anything to do with life.
The cycle continued as I got older, with me giving up Erilerre for a time because I thought I was too attached to it and the distressing feeling that it would be hard for me to stop writing would drive me into a battle between choosing it and God. It was continuing a relationship for several more months than it should have been because I was convinced that it was God's will and I was just hearing God wrong -all the while feeling like doing the right thing would require me to give up half of my personality and the things that make my heart sore - because that's what God wanted me to do.
And here I am, facing it again. That desire to follow God, torn with the terror that he's going to ask me to sacrifice the things that make me excited to be alive and put me through trials and misery until I'm all worn out and used up and still failing him.
When I asked, "What do you want me to do instead?" I was met with silence.
I'm not sure what is going on. Which voice belongs to God? Which voice is mine and which is Satan's scaring me back onto the path of safety and hiding my head in the sand.
But one thing that this morning's musings have led me to is:
I don't trust God. I'm afraid of God.
It's not the fear of the Lord that the Bible mentions. It's not reverence for His authority.
It's the cowardice of a dog that longs for relationship with his master - who's inching forward on his belly toward the owner, hoping to be petted but expecting to get kicked.
Where did this fear come from? Is it from a childhood of stifling my desires and fears to become what I knew would be excepted by other Christians? Is it from the cycle of our best ministries ending in the largest heartbreak? Is it being told that God will require me to give up everything that I'm putting ahead of Him and that might stand in the way of His purpose for me - along with the explanation that Satan will attack the hardest when you're doing the most for God? Is it from believing that God will punish me if I'm not perfect? Or that my parents, family and friends will all walk away if I embarrass them or am too needy or admit that I don't believe exactly the way they do? That if I ever have children, they'll grow up resenting me for not being there enough or having enough money to let them do what they want to do or trying to mode them into what I want them to be instead of letting them follow their dreams?
I don't know. Probably a combination of all of them.
But that is not who God is. God sent his son to die on a cross so that my flaws and sins are covered and I don't have to be perfect to approach Him. Where in the Bible did he rain down his wrath on His servants who were trying to obey him? Yes, he let Satan take away everything that Job had - but He gave him more when Job proved himself faithful. I can't think of any time that He let His people sacrifice or suffer without giving them much more in return. The Isrealites complained that they didn't have a varity of things to eat - but they had something. They worshiped a golden calf even while God was providing for them - THAT's why He made them wander around for 40 years. I believe he set out to take them into that abundant life - and their actions were what made the journey so long to get there.
Look at God's promises.
He'll never leave us or forsake us (no matter what we do or how much we deserve it)
He'll provide all of our needs (spiritually, materially and physically)
If we give 10% of what he gives us back to Him, He'll bless us so much we won't have room to hold it.
He'll forgive and not hold any of our past, present or future sin against us - if we just ask.
He'll never sleep.
He'll share His Heavenly kingdom with us for eternity.
He will never give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.
He will never let anyone hurt us unless it's part of His will.
He will use all things - even our mess-ups - for our own good.
He will know every detail about our lives because He cares about every detail of our lives.
He will make us into his image.
He will never lie to us.
He will punish us only to bring us back to where He can continue molding us into something better.
He will not let the curses of other people affect us when we are striving to follow him.
He will move Heaven and Earth to enable us to live His will for our lives.
Nothing - not even Satan - can separate us from His love.
He will never change.
Why would I fear a God like that? When He could be any way that he wanted - have anything that he wanted - that is what He continues to be. If I could know God - truly understand that He is who He says he is - and root out the misconceptions I have of Him.... I would realize how stupid it is for me to fear Him or following His will.
Perhaps that's what he wanted to show me this morning when he said, "Don't do that..."
Fantastic post, Linds... <3
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