A Day for Dreaming

Last night again, I just wanted it to be morning. This morning my alarm went off, and I got up right away though I was quite sleepy. Then I discovered it was 6:10 and the alarm had apparently already gone off once. My goal was to spend two hours reading - one more of the self-disicpline book and one that had something to do with publishing/editing/formatting/publicizing and the myrad of other things that I'm working on.

I went to the kitchen to make some tea - I've been trying to instill that habit as well. Pop was up and hungry so I thought I'd better get him breakfast before he left. So I decided to make breakfast and then read for two hours. While I worked we again chatted about the stock market and owning a theater. He expanded on the idea of building a theater with a lot of rooms in the back for classrooms. He charted out how the different areas of revenue could come in to support the theater and eventually help me attain my goal of producing my work in film and theater. After breakfast, he pulled up his stock market - uh, account? - and began showing me the rise and falls and how you could make more by selling during the rise, than you could by keeping the dividend. He showed me two of the more stable companies and explained how to read the numbers. He'll have to show me again because my brain saw the need to mulitply numbers and convert fractions and tried to distract me by waving the maroon and gold curtains of my theater across the small part of my brain that peeps out from it's long hibernation. But it was interesting. And we talked more about the theater. By 9:00, I hadn't read a word and I was convinced that it was possible to do anything I wanted.

I found out that 44 people visited my blog yesterday setting a record for any of my blogs in one day. One person bought a copy of "Across the Distance" making it 5 that I've sold since it was published. And 15 had visited today by 9:00. Now it's 16. That added to the feeling of euphoria.

I read and did some of the exercises in the book, then set to work with a passion. I scrapped my original plan to work on editing "Swing" today and declared it "National Lindsey Goal-Mapping Day." A day for dreaming it was. One my trusty whiteboard (which I got for the class that didn't make and I must say I've fallen in love with it) I wrote out. Publicity Program. Publishing company. "The Room" (referring to the room I'm supposed to be finding a way to use for steady income...la la la) "NeverLand Productions" (referring to the old acting troupe/school I wanted to start) to meet in my theater, "The theater," and "filming company."

There. All the stepping-stones of my dreams combined into one great circle of life... or ten lives... or work, really.

So then I made a fancy blueprint for "New Heights Productions" - starting with a timeline for preparing book signings. I tried to map out ideas for publicizing the book and creating excitement and benefits for the readers. Then I worked on what would be required for my "New Heights publishing" company, trying to decide if I should focus on learning the skills I need to do everything myself in a professionalism manner or if I should find a way to farm out the work so I can work on selling. I would - if I had steady income.... hmmm. Haven't figured that one out yet.

Then it was time to make the blueprint for "The Room." I erased the whiteboard again and began brainstorming for ideas to make a weekly, steady income. Piano, voice, starting a grocery-shopping business, the usual.

I wrote down Tuesday and Thursday, to figure out how many hours I could work and how much I could make while giving the majority of my days to publishing. Then it happened.

My stomach churned. I swallowed. I don't WANT to be tied down. I pictured living here and not being able to go stay in Palacios and...

Then I quite. Erased it and walked away where I filled out the form on overcoming fear and stress. There really is no simple answer to what I want. I can't be in two places at once. Unless I made my stead income off of editing and formatting people's books online. I could get really good at it and it would only take a few hours a week once I figured it out and - would that take away from my books? Where would I even start to do that? If you've ever googled "becoming an editor" or "learning to be a typesetter" you'll get a lot of snooty blogs on how if you MUST insist on self-publishing, you should leave that to the professional. Or you get a lot of "Let me do that for you!" But no one will explain the steps you need to become a profession. By this time, the wind was dying down and my sails began to flag.

I read some more of the book. Did some more of the exercises.

Nearly fell asleep.

So there you have it folks. Here's my exercise answers. My "blueprint" will be in the next blog.

1. Sell 1 million copies of each book.

2. Produce 1 book into a film

3. Act as a major character in a film.

4. Donate 1 million dollars to IJM.

5. Pay my parents back for their investments.

6. Renovate Palacios

7. Own a piece of real-estate

8. Meet a future husband

9. Own a self-financing theater.

10. Finish my four-year degree.

11. Become a natural healer.

12. Buy a new car.

13. Heal my family relationships

14. Make 50 new friends

15. Build physical strength

Major Definite Purpose

Sell 1 million copies of each book by September 12, 2012.

How can I reach this goal?

1. Set up at least four book signings a month.

2. Get reviews on the book.

3. Give away free copies of the book.

4. Blog, tweet, and other social media.

5. Make 1 million very good friends.

6. Find other people to help sell my book.

7. Find stores to stock my books.

8. Make a book trailer for my books.

9. Find 100 “loyal fans” for the book.

10. Write more books.

11. Tell everyone I meet about my book.

12. Make book cards.

13. Advertise for the book.

14. Lower the prices of the book.

15. Write newspapers about the book.

16. Research how others sold their books.

17. Hire an editor, cover designer and formatter so I’m free for writing and marketing.

18. Develop relationships with customers by keeping up with them.

19. Develop relationships with future customers by taking and interest in their endeavors.

20. Book club discounts.

How can I sell 100,000,000 copies of my books in a year?

1. Create a sensation buzz and excitement.

2. Research whatever Harry Potter and Twilight did.

3. Create a book trailer and put it in front of everyone.

4. Create strong relationships with people - especially those who would enjoy the book.

5. Go to book fairs.

6. Find interesting places to sell it.

7. Book signings.

8. Write lots of books.

9. Create a small publishing company and get it into bookstores.

10. Focus on ebook sales.

11. Get reviews from everybody.

12. Enter into published contests.

13. Give consignments to those who help me sell.

14. Lower the prices as much as I can.

15. Give books away to garner buzz and reviews.

16. Find a way to break into media.

17. Develop ways to pull people’s interest into interacting with the book.

18. Write the newspapers.

19. Review other people’s books who may be common with mine.

20. Launch a national campaign

Failure is not an option. Success is assured.

Action Exercise

1.

· I will lose Palacios or I’ll move there and won’t thrive.

· I won’t be able to make enough money and reach my goals.

· I’ll have to get a job that will tie me down.

· I’m afraid to live far from family.

2. I have always wanted to act in film but was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find enough wholesome work to pull it off. I have always wanted to be a best seller but I’m afraid I won’t be able to get my work out to enough people for it to take off. I have always wanted to fix up Palacios and live there while still doing things like acting and being near family.

3.If I was guaranteed success in filming I would create a headshot and show up with confidence for auditions. I would network with people to produce my writing as a film and would unashamedly expect a role because nobody can pull my own characters off like I can. If I was guaranteed success in being a best-selling author, I would cry in relief. Then I would go full-force into whatever it is that will make me that way. If I was gaurenteed a job that wouldn’t tie me down, I would travel back and forth between here and Palacios (if I owned it, I could live in it part-time and rent it out on the weekends while I’m gone) and I wouldn’t worry about choosing between home, family and opportunity. If I was guaranteed that I could successfully live on my own and stand on my own two feet, I’d pursue everything I was now – only about triple the speed.

4. The three areas of my life in which I experience the most fears of failure and loss are making enough money to be financially independent, losing the emotional support of my family and in making new friends and trying new things because I’m not good enough. To overcome the financial aspect, I need to study more about investing and hone my skills so that I am an “expert” in my fields and I know what I need to make my books successful. I can temporarily get a job to build up my assets so that I have enough money to invest. I need to start thinking and acting for myself without depending on anyone’s help. I need to enjoy my family, not enslave them. I need to work on understanding people more, and try doing things that scare me so I become comfortable in social situations. I need to prove to myself that I am just as capable as anyone else.

5. The three areas, that I experience the most criticism, rejection and embarrassment are not having a normal job, not having money and being introverted. I could overcome this by succeeding despite not having a normal job or getting a normal job and thus fitting the idea that everyone has that I should look like. (Wow. I just blamed everybody. Let me try this again.) I could overcome this by working to be educated in my field and producing high-quality, efficient work. I could find better ways to earn and invest my funds as well as saving the little I do make. I can work on my people skills by reading books on body language, personality and getting out in different social situations to interact more.

6. If I knew that I could not fail, I would recreate every book I ever wrote into film versions, act in some of them and use half the proceeds to help end human trafficking.

7. If I had 20 million in the bank but only ten years left to live, I would build my own theater, equipped with training rooms for classes. I would write as many books as I could get out there. I would invest 1 million to make sure the money kept building. I would renovate Palacios for my parents – and if they didn’t want to live there, I’d buy it and use it as a “relief” house for wounded pastors or something. I would get my books made into movies, cast it myself and create it as I see it in my head. I’d build up as much dividends and royalties as I could and direct half to my family and half to ministries that end human trafficking so that they would be supported even after I left. It’s a lot but given the ability to hire out the work, I think I could do every single one of these. Oh, and I’d have a grand time doing it. I’d visit all my friends at their homes and take them all on a trip to Europe.

September 12th

Today started with a dream about moving to Palacios that almost had me convinced going back was the right thing to do. Even before I arrived at the house, I had gotten a job working in the Chamber of Commerce and discovered that a theater group was opening up right downtown. My only concern was protection and that was relieved when I arrived at the houe to discover that my Uncle Rod had bought - a lion. Yep. There was a lion living on a huge chain that had the run of the field across the street and the front yard. Even though closer inspection showed that it was actually a mix between a golden retriever and a lion - think huge retriver with a thick lion tail, I was still sure that no one would dare sneak up on my house if I had a lion in the front who was friendly to me and deadly to everyone else.

All my problems were solved until...

I woke up. And thought it was quite impossible for me to get a lion for safety and that there was no theater in the town and I was right back to where I started in the debate. And even though my living situation is quite settled until the end of November, I still woke with the "where shall I live" debate raging in my head. So much so, that I couldn't go back to sleep. I thought that I was a little sleepy but quite tired of laying in bed and ready to start the day. Was it too early? I reached for my phone and flipped it open pleased to find it was 6:20 and not 3:00 as I had feared.

So I got up and finished writing out the questions that I posted this morning. I read my Bible. I can't actually remember the order that I did things today. I ate cereal and then returned to read a second chapter of the book. Posted the answers, cleaned my room and then took "Swing" outside to edit. I edited a chapter and a half - since the first was halfway done - then returned inside where I discovered I was still hungry. Pop was up by now and my "eggs and toast" turned into a request for "eggs, bacon and homemade biscuts". So like a Hobbet, I set to work making "second breakfast" and unlike a hobbet, I discussed investing and real estate with my Grandpa.

My Grandpa is a genius when it comes to money-making ventures. Not all of them work. But I've seen the man take a pinball machine and have people driving from other towns to play the thing for trophy's bought from a resale shop.

Today we talked about renting and realistate and just a bit of the stock market. He's going to give financial classes to my newly-graduated cousins about money management, banking and investing and I intend to sit in every one of them.

Since I have no money to invest as of now, our conversation turned toward ventures. See, just about the time when I was thinking perhaps I would return to Palacios after all, my grandfather has informed me he's bought a new real estate with a building and a bunch of land. On this land, he wants to build a building that I've dubbed "Bouquet Enterprises." Here he is building a room for each of us - so Kayla could set up a dance studio. Lauren could teach voice or build a nutrition/fitness center. When we get tired of doing the business ourselves, we can hire others and eventually let them take over. I could have anything in my room that I want.

I know what I want. To make my living with my writing and to produce that writing into films and plays. That's a bit big to build and will take some time so in the meantime we discussed things I could do with my room to make money and how I could use it to delegate tasks to others to make money for me.

What will I do?

No clue. I could do piano and voice. I could open a costume shop. I could open a small publishing company. I could set up a grocery shopping team.

I wondered if this would actually pan out and if it did if it just happened to be God shouting at me that he's really telling me to stay here and I'm just not listening because I'm torn about leaving Palacios.

I don't know. But I got so excited that it was hard to focus on my stuff. After breakfast and cleaning out the dishwasher, I returned to put the "Swing" edits into the computer. Then I began formatting "The Calling." It wasn't supposed to take that long but I downloaded a new program and tried this and that and the other and finally found.... one of the many reedits that I did that looked great on my kindle. I just had to insert a few "centers" and see if I could tag the Table of Contents. I uploaded it. Crossing my fingers.

After this I realized if I wasn't careful the time would get away from me and I'd find it time to go to rehearsal without looking over the script. So I spent some time trying to get the dialogue perfect and thinking up dreadful things to do to the writers and editors of that script. A pet peeve is when a character repeats something three times. Dorothy says "Never, never, never!" at least three times and it doesn't sound any more realistic the last time than it did the first. And if I forget a line - it's probably, "Oh!" Or "Oh - oh..." I swear there's a hundred 'oh's sprinkled through the script and Dorothy stutters a lot.

*Glances down to notice the sides on the soapbox. Presses lips together and gingerly steps down*

Anyhow. Moving on.

I sent a check to be deposited with Ryan and helped put away groceries. I think I reached a record on the backenbooks blog. It had 15 visitors today.

Now I think I'm going to read another chapter of the "No Excuses" book. Tomorrow I need to work really hard on getting "Swing" ready to go. Hopefully tonight I can arrange with Marie to meet to do the book cover.

Then it's onto "The Captive" with full throttle and less distractions and I'm going to whip that baby into shape. Okay, I won't really whip it. That would be cruel. I shall gently coax it to perfection - rapidly.

Without Excuse

I'm reading the book "No Excuses" with Danae and this is the beginning of what I'm learning through the exercises in the back. It's a great book so far (I've read a grand total of two chapters.) In fact, I rather enjoyed the irony of procrastinating going to bed, and again getting up to start chores in order to read a book that focuses on "self-control" with the definition of "Self-discipline is the ability to do what you should do, when you should do it, whether you feel like it or not." I highly recommend it.

If my work life and career were ideal, I would turn my stories into books and then my books into movies. I would work as both author and actress and also direct or co-direct my films. The money I made from these endeavors would be used to cover basic living expenses (which would ideally be kept simply and low) and generously donated to help alleviate suffering in the world such as human trafficking and world hunger. The books and films would be realistic but wholesome. Their purpose would leave people inspired to be and do more. Controversial scenes would never be used solely for enjoyment but to realistically depict grave situations in life, leading to what can be done to overcome them.

One discipline I could develop to help achieve it is One discipline that could help me achieve this goal is to begin networking with like-minded people and finding out what opportunities are out there. Also to read and learn as much as I could to improve in both arts.

2. If my family life were ideal at the moment, we would have less criticism and more communication with each other. I need to make sure that I begin only saying things that will encourage my family and build them up.

3. If my health was perfect in every way, I would stress and worry less. I wouldn’t ache or have asthmas. I would eat all organic and natural food. I would have more muscles and strength.

The disciplines that I would need to make this possible would be to drive farther for good food and the self-control and time-management to keep up with exercise.

4. If my financial situation was ideal, I would have a steady source of income from investments that didn’t require hours out of each day in order to maintain. I would have the freedom to persue projects and goals that were important to me and would make a difference in the world. If I did work at a “job”, it would be something that I was very passionate about with people I cared about.

I guess the discipline that I would need the most today is to research how this could be achieved and then to have the courage to follow through. Right now I have no money to invest so I might need to be willing to work in a less-than-ideal place in order to build up enough funds to begin investing.

5. I’m not as successful as I need to be, mainly because I’m too scared to get out and try. I don’t want to live by myself – and if I do, I want to move back to Palacios because I have such a strong emotional tie there. I don’t have enough money to buy the courses I’d like to further my education or finish out college. I don’t live near any Christian film companies and I’m afraid to get too involved with the secular companies who don’t have the same goals for their productions. I also don’t know much about writing screenplays.

I need to overcome fear. I need to base my choices off of opportunity and not emotions. I need to find ways to learn about the film industry as well as how to successfully navigate the publishing and promoting world. But I’d say across the board, it boils down to fear of people’s opinions and my ability to succeed.

6, One discipline I could develop to help me reach more of my goals would be to stop second-guessing myself and take action.

7. If I could be completely disciplined in one area to have the greatest positive impact in my life, it would be to learn and act upon what God’s will is instead of basing my choices on what I desire and other people think I should do. On a more earthly level, I think developing better communication skills with people would help alleviate a good portion of my fear.

Chapter Two:

Three people who I admire are: The IJM team because they dedicate their lives to fighting injustice and freeing captives.

2. George Washington Carver because he strove to learn as much as he could, depended on God for his answers, and learning that a small, simple thing has infinant worth and value.

3. Edith Brown? Because she’d only lived a fraction of her life, but she gave up her seat in the last lifeboat of the Titanic so that a mother could stay with her children.

2. The most important quality that I must strive to emulate is courage. With courage, I would not be afraid to try new things, to stand up for others and myself and to be truthful at all times.

3. I feel most confident when I am in the theater. I know how to conduct myself, how to relate to others and what is expected. I feel most confident after I have achieved a difficult accomplishment, when people are viewing my work and I know that it is well done. Also when I help or donate to a cause I believe in.

4. I have the greatest self-esteem and personal worth when I’m developing my passions and molding my character. When I’m proving to myself that I can do something I was unsure of.

5. If I was an excellent person in every respect, I would behave differently by going to be and getting up early, maintaining an orderly house, not being ruled by opinions or material goods. I would fearlessly love people and help them whenever I could. I would never complain or criticize. I would do all I could to better the quality of people’s lives and make them feel their worth. I would hear clearly from God and obey him without hesitation or questioning. I would inspire people to love, be generous, be fearless and to build each other up. I would dress neatly and keep myself in good health. I would not stress, panic or worry.

6. One quality I would like for people to think of when my name is mentioned is integrity. I can accomplish this by striving to do my best in every situation and being honest.

7. One area that I need to be more truthful and practice higher levels of intregrity today in is my relationship with sin and God.

Just A'swing....

Today was day two of getting into the swing of things. I got in bed on time, though it was still about midnight when I fell asleep. I woke up three times during the night and again when my alarm went off at 7:00. I didn’t want to get up, but I did. I read my Bible, cleaned my room and checked all three emails, sending off personal and some book-related emails. The computer turned off at 8:00 and I went for a walk. I jogged all the way down the street my uncle lives on. I’m going to see if I can add a bit longer to that every day. I made a smoothie for breakfast and began working on Swing before finding out that if I was going to do any writing with Val at all today, we only had one hour when we could both get on. I got on and while working with her, I reviewed a few short stories by other authors, answered a few messages, edited the first chapter of “Come What May” – a Little Women novel, that I started years ago on fanfiction.net. I said good bye to Val and turned off the computer again, going to the kitchen where I put a pot of beans on and decided to add two fried eggs to my breakfast. I asked my grandfather about a minor military detail for “Swing” and spent an hour cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry and taking out the compost. Ryan saw me working and began cleaning the living room.

After eating a bowl of the now-ready beans, I contacted Tami and gave her details to get a signing approved at the college, then resumed editing Swing and completed three chapters. I edited photographs and sent off details to Marie about the book cover for “Across the Distance” so Rob can see about helping me design a cover for it. I put on “Wizard of Oz” to watch and listen to while I was working on the computer. I reformatted two more chapters of “The Calling.”

Now it’s 4:20 in the afternoon and I’m trying to decide which project to focus on next. I have about 2 ½ hours before rehearsal starts. Tonight we’re blocking the last portion of the show. I’m supposed to be off-book by Thursday but I can’t get my script back from the scarecrow. There’s been an illness going around the cast and I’m trying very hard not to get it.

September 7th

Tonight, I'm to be locked in a witch's castle.

No seriously.

Anyway, now that I've got my hookline, I get to report a very sucessful day.

I woke at 6:20ish to the sounds of cats yowling and thought maybe Kaden had met up with the rabid skunk around here. It turned out to be a false alarm but I couldn't go back to sleep so at 6:45 I gave up and read my Bible.

I made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, went for a walk and ran quite farther than I thought I could. I have decided that unless it's work related, my internet will be off between 8:00 and 3:00 so I shot off a few emails before 8:00.

I began the process of reformatting Secret of Sentarra, completing two chapters today. The first went so quickly that I decided to get the second one done as well. Then I worked on the bathroom, kitchen and laundry for an hour.

After that I loaded up my trusty alphasmart and went down to the river to discover it had been taken over by an older gentleman on a jet ski. We got along though and he continued to zoom up and down the river, while I quietly transported myself back to the Civil War and wrote a chapter to help complete my Little Women fic that I abandoned years ago and recently picked back up.

I tried three times to call the college about a book signing, but I kept missing the lady I needed to speak to. I spoke to a friend on a long - overdue phone call and took my uncle to drop off at his work. Then I finally got Jess's birthday gift wrapped and mailed.

Last night I wondered if I put too much to do on my list but I made it and more. Now I have a few scenes I'd like to write. I need to watch the Wizard of Oz movie and rehearsal is in just a few hours. Still. The day couldn't have gone much better.

My First Memory

I don't know where to start with this so I'll start at the beginning - at least as far as I can remember. I'm glad I can't remember my VERY first beginning. ICU might be responsible for my feelings of isolation, ha ha.

My first memory is moving into the Chilton house in Goliad, Tx when I was three years old. I know I was three because I had my fourth birthday in that house. It was a fourteen room Victorian mansion - that looked haunted on the outside with peeling paint and a wind chime.

(All pictures are of my house, taken from a website of a wonderful couple who restored it. www.chiltonhouse.com - yes, my house has its own website...lol.)

I don't remember much about the wind chime except that it had bells and flat doves on the chain. I found a rusted one that had fallen to the ground, looked up and saw it. Then I made up a story about a little girl who had lived in the house a long time ago and died - I don't remember how but I remember the story was quite tragic.

Don't ask me why. I've never been able to understand my own brain or how it works.

But I still have that wind chime tucked away in a box of "treasures" - like a broken lion-head radio that I'm not sure ever worked...

I was playing chase with Ryan and Sarah who, being older than me, were both faster than me and not as clumsy. The downstairs all made a big circle with (I think) the hallway in the middle of them. So after a while, I could hear voices - but I couldn't find anyone.

I heard Sarah laughing. I hard Mom talking to Grandma Backen.

Then I couldn't hear anyone and I was left to wander through large, empty rooms.

I remembered that they were talking about goin

g out to eat soon and I began to cry, sure that they had forgotten me.

Note: Though I had a knack for getting turned around and lost as a child (and some would argue an adult), my parents never once left me. Nor did they threaten to leave me. I'm not sure where that overwhelming fear came from but there it was, amongst all the other irrational fears I had.

In fact, now that I think about it, I remember Mom picking me up (probably when she found me) and I sobbed that I couldn't find anyone and I thought they left me.

She assured me that she would never forget about me.

Or leave me.

Two Lives, One Girl

I sang with Sarah tonight. I haven't sung with my family in a long time, though we used to sing all the time. So much that I got sick of hymns and dreaded Dad pulling us up in front of the church to give the Sunday morning special.

I wasn't expecting to get emotional while I was singing but I did.

See, when I think about growing up - I remember the bad so much more than the good. I remember being hurt. I cringe at what I used to wear. I learned to distrust people. I was insecure and lonely and sometimes just plain weird.

As I've gotten older, I got sick of being steriotyped. The moment people find out I was homeschooled or was a preacher's daughter, they automatically put me in this "weird" cateogory that I don't want to be in.

So I quit telling them much about growing up. I quite really even thinking about it if I can because it invariably leads to the break up of our churches and with N. and many many friendships over stupid things.

I don't want to remember.

But tonight, just singing made me remember - and almost miss it.

Snatches of things. Sitting on the floor (the rotting one) when I got my sewing machine in the mail as part of my dressmaking and design course when I wanted to have a costume shop. Already this is leading to the memory that I wanted a costume shop because people kept telling me I couldn't be an actress without "giving up my morals"...

But I decided that I'm going to start trying to blog about good memories. Because I had them. I just can't remember them. And I don't want to grow up hating or embarrassed about my childhood. It wasn't "normal" but then again - whose is??