It's all in how you view it.

Once upon a time, I strove to be the perfect Christian. I wore long skirts and modest shirts. I grew my hair out. I regularly became guilty of my music choices and threw out my Broadway soundtracks, my burned CDs and my Irish music that contained a drum. I memorized large portions of scripture. I read pamphlets on the evils of dancing to remind myself why I had to stifle my longing to move to music. I bit back arguments when people called me "sheltered" and "nieve."
I went to the nursing home with my family once a week. I sang hymns at church and anywhere I was asked. I helped with children's programs. I knocked on doors, invited people to VBS, handed out Jesus videos and cookie tins. I left tracks places where people would find them, scolding myself for being too afraid to hand it to someone outright.
Once upon a time, I knew how my life would be. I would graduate high school, perhaps go on to study at a good college so I could teach my own children while they were growing up. When I was about twenty, I would meet a wonderful, Godly man who would marry me and be a strong Spiritual leader. I wouldn't be afraid to have children - and that secret worry that I physically can't have children would be gone. I'd lose my desires for anything besides raising them, cleaning the house and making meals.
That was what good Christian girls did, right?
Once upon a time, I beat myself up for not being this good Christian girl. I didn't really like babies. I was terrified to think of having my own children. I wanted to dance - I wanted to dance so badly, I would cry while watching someone else do what I wanted to. I listened when people told me I couldn't be an actress. In my imagination, I filmed movies. Some I wrote - some other people wrote. I was confidence and pretty and dressed modestly but modernly. I could travel away from my family without feeling homesick. Everyone liked me.
Once upon a time, I lived in my imagination, doing what I wanted to do, while I continued stifling my dreams to fit into the Christian mold.
As it seemed right on schedule, my twentieth birthday came and I began courting a wonderful, Godly boy from my church. He was smart. He was mature. He was responsible. He even wanted to learn to Swing dance and we planned on filming a movie together.
Once upon a time, I sat sobbing in a Church pew as adults yelled at each other. Our church family that had done so much together was splitting. Once upon a time, I stood with my hand on the door of that church, finding the locks changed overnight.
"You locked me out. You can't criticize me for living in the world, when you locked me into it."
I never did get back into that church building.
Nine months after I began courting, I gave up waiting for God to show the boy what he had shown me - that we would never be good as a couple. I called off the courtship - and spent the next few months explaining to the kids at my new church that I didn't tell their friends to leave. I lost my boyfriend. I lost my best friends.
I had my first argument over the break up with some of my other friends.
My perfect Christian life collapsed around me. I had done everything I knew to do. I'd taken up my cross. I'd denied myself.
I didn't understand.
Once upon a time, I locked my heart away. I threw up walls of bitterness. I'd never court again. I'd act in whatever I dang-well pleased. I'd wear pants and dresses that made me feel pretty. I only went to church to please my parents. I'd dance. I'd pursue film. I'd finally stop listening to what people thought I should be doing to serve God.
He was capable of telling me what he DID want me to be doing.
I quit telling people I was a preacher's daughter. I stopped looking at old pictures of people who hurt me beyond what I'd ever been hurt before. I cut my hair. I let my neckline drop and my hemline rise. When people told me I needed to loosen up and live, I'd laugh and think they should have seen me five years ago. But I didn't want them to. I was embarrassed to look back at that girl in the frumpy clothing who lived in a bubble world.
Once upon a time, I began looking on the inside as well as the outside. I dropped any preconceived ideas of what I was supposed to be. I forgave myself for not rushing across the room screaming "baby!" when a bundle of joy was carried in.
God told me if I was willing to wait for a man, he would bring me a deeper love than I ever imagined. I said 'yes' and released the image that the only way a Christian girl can serve God is by marrying and raising her family.
I stopped beating myself up for wanting to show my emotions and my true self. I let myself dance - even in the kitchen when no one was watching and let myself become as a child before God who doesn't suppress her joy.
God commanded me: "Write "Flames" as a screenplay and I will produce it." I said 'yes' and realized I can serve God through the media.
I've learned everything that was shattered was what was holding my back from becoming who God truly wanted me to be. Now he's bringing people back into my life - those who formally shunned me - those whom I began to avoid - and I feel no bitterness, no sorrow, no hatred.
I'm finding that that little girl who lived inside of me and cried for release wasn't a sinful version that must be sacrificed to God's will - but who He made me so that I could fulfill God's will in my life.
Today, I'm free to ask God who He wants me to be. I'm not held back by preconceived ideas of what the Bible says I should be doing. I'm no longer that 'perfect Christian girl.' I'm a girl who doesn't have the answers. I'm a girl who's been hurt and can help others who are hurting. I'm not so worried about offending other Christians by what I say, do, or wear, that I can't focus on what God wants me to say, do, or wear.
When God speaks to me, I don't have to worry about whether or not it is my place to share it in the church. When I turn another year older and there's no boyfriend or family in sight, I don't have to fret that I'm doing something wrong with my life. When I finish my screenplay, when I step onto stage, when I sit in front of a camera, I don't have to wonder if I'm compromising myself.
I'm not.
I am finally being the person I always wanted to be. The person God wants me to be.
The girl I was meant to be.