November 2 - God Speaks

This quite possibly might be the Nano that changed my life. My plans to come down here were simple. Go to Palacios. Write. Do the Austin Town reenactment. Write. Stay with the Jinkins during some book signings. Jinkins. Yay! Book signings *gulp*. Go back to Palacios. Write. Play the lady in the grey taffitta dress. Return to Palacios. Write. Do two last signings. Write, write, write… free and clear.
Whoo-hoo.
But there’s something about that three hour drive between here and Seguin. I’m usually sad about leaving whichever place I’m at and not looking forward to the drive. I spend the first few minutes trying to remember what I forgot – this time it was my cellphone.
Then I usually end up scrolling through the radio and listening to the Christian station.
Then about the time I hit the long country roads… bam. God starts talking and the radio goes off.
I’m never planning on it turning into a prayer/sobbing/praising session but the more I think about it, it happens quite often.
God spoke to me on the way here. I was driving, thinking about Flames. Someone on the radio talked about a blog that was pointing out the way that believers criticize each other and commenting on how brave they were to face that truth. That is essentially the message of “Flames.” I felt sure that God will turn Flames into a film. Then – I can’t explain it but I was amazed that he would choose me for that task and asked why.
It felt like he was literally pressing his words into my heart. But not in writing. Not even in words. It’s hard to describe. A vibration, frequency, feeling, touch… almost another language or symbol or something that he pressed in without words or letters – and then I would know what it meant.
He told me he loved me. He told me Flames would be a film. He told me he was going to use me. He repeated everything. He reminded me of when I was a child and had the dream I went to heaven. I couldn’t see him, but I saw myself standing there with a bright light shining on me as we talked. Later I couldn’t remember what he told me, except that I was to witness to my uncle’s family – and later I led Lauren and Kayla to the Lord and I’ve had the chance to talk to Tyler about Salvation, though he hasn’t made a decision yet. But the one thing I remember clearly is asking him if I was dead.
He said “No. I’m sending you back to tell the world.”
But waking I could never remember what I was supposed to tell the world.
But maybe I wasn’t supposed to remember. Maybe the point was that I would be telling whatever He wanted – to the world. How can one person reach the world at one time? Through the media. Through the written word and through film.
Maybe that was the point of the story.
After that it got a bit tricky. Satan kept trying to interfere. It was hard to understand everything.
I prayed about sin in my life – the addictive kind that you want to get rid of, but you feel as though if you were to tell God you wouldn’t do it anymore – you would break your word because you can’t stop. But I prayed about it. I released it to Him.
He told me some things I think I’m supposed to convey to a friend – not because He can’t tell him/her Himself – but to show me that he can speak to other’s through me. (This was Val.) I have no idea why He picked me for any of this. I’m not good at complete obedience. Satan started taunting with all the normal things. What if God won’t let me write Eirlerre? What if God won’t let me watch my favorite TV show?
But the fact is – I’ve fought those battles before. I wouldn’t like to stop writing Eirlerre – but I’ve surrendered it to Him multiple times in the past. So – technically, there is no decision to be made. If He wants it surrendered, it’s surrendered. It’s not mine to take back.
But I don’t think He’s saying that. I think that’s Satan trying to hold me back with fear. Later she texted and I said, “If you want me to tell her now, have her asking to call me.”
But she was saying it would be light when I got to WI.
Later I called but got her voicemail. I don’t know if that means I shouldn’t tell her – or that he didn’t want me telling her then. We’ll see.
I tried calling Val but I was in the dead zone. Then I got her voicemail. I reached Palacios in the dark, finding an unusual sense of urgency and fear falling on me.
I unloaded the car as quickly as I could thinking the entire time, “Get inside. It’s not safe out. Get inside.”
I finally ran with a load, tripping in the back door and locked it leaving the rest for later.
I’m in Palacios now, excited about Flames but feeling an underlying – creepy feeling. I don’t know if it’s just because it was dark when I got here and the house is quiet and someone was playing that creepy kind of music or what but – I’m a lot more nervous than usual.
I also felt like God was telling me something may happen to me soon – something bad. But that He’s going to use it the way he used the church split to convey Flames. I don’t know what it is but at the moment – I feel okay with that. But I’m not sure I really feel like that was from Him anyway.
The house was so, so, so quiet. I turned on the radio. Fired up the laptop. The internet wasn’t working well. But Val texted. So I asked her if I could call and the call didn’t drop as usual.
I wasn’t sure if I should tell her what God told me but I ventured the first part. She was quite shocked and quite excited and she told me that she had (less than 24 hours before) asked God to speak to me about her.
With this knowledge helping my disclaimer that I could have misunderstood God, I kept going, telling her some things he had spoken to me about her life – that she hadn’t spoken to me about – which ended up being what she was praying about.
Needless to say, we were quite excited.
So excited that I’ve been calling her more than writing. Writing Flames is such a unique experience for me. It’s not full of exciting scenes, the way I’m used to writing. But when I sit down, I can write. When I stop writing, the story stops with it. Every time I go to write, I pray that God will not let me write anything he doesn’t want in there. Looking at it, I’m thinking, “Lord, how are you going to use this? Most of the main characters are young adults and teenagers. And the quality is crappy. It’s not a good novel at all – even though I’m doing it as backstory to be converted into a screenplay.”
But I know that He is going to use it because He told me. “The Captive” has been put on the backburner. I’m excited. I’m scared. I’m lapsing into doubt. I’m enthusiastic about the story. I’m bored with the story. I’m so many thing I don’t even know what to make of all of it.