I walked 2.19 miles, jogging the last leg home for about 37 minutes. I listened to Doug's sermons while stretching. I had soupy oatmeal and wrinkled blueberries for breakfast (we're low on groceries) and was sure to clean the kitchen and unload the dishwasher so it would stay nice because Grandma worked on it all night. (Yay!)
Then I went to the garden to water it but it looked pretty damp so I left it. Got some laundry sorted and into the wash.
The sermons I've been listening to lately all seem to play into the same theme of A: not depending on our actions to gain salvation/favor with God. B: Obeying and letting him direct my life because he can do a better job of it anyway, which has led me to conclusion C: It actually excites me to stop trying to do all the things "good Christians" do because that's what's expected. When I used to try to dress right, talk right, go to church, give, memorize scripture, be always ready with answers for everything instead of admitting that I was still learning, watch everything I did, said, thought, it only made me worry and angry when I thought I was doing right and my life fell apart anyway. When people I was closest to seemed to shun me the moment I strayed from the "model of Christianity" and I shunned those who were living in sin like some sins were worse than others. After everything happened, I wanted nothing to do with it enough to turn against those who represented these things to me.
Now. I want to live in obedience to Christ. I want to hear what He says, to let Him direct my life and choices. I want to have His blessing on my life, not because I'm "working" for it or because I am squishing myself into the mold of what I think he wants, but because I'm listening to Him and I develop enough trust to realize He's not going to hurt me or led me into miserable circumstances just to make me prove that I'm serious or prove to me that I can't ever please him no matter how hard I try so there's no point in even trying. Because I'm NOT good enough for Him and he's not judging me on whether or not I am.
Am I scared? Yes. Do I worry where He might take me or lay out my life? Yes. Do I believe I'm going to obey him 100% of the time because I've decided to follow him? No. Do I have all this figured out? Nope.
Am I excited let God come in and address my unbelief, bitterness, fears and sin? Yep. Does the idea of having definite answers for the direction my life should be going send a sense of relief? Yes.
Because if God's got my life under control and I'm obeying His plans for it, I don't have to worry about money or where I should be working for a job, or if I'm not being social enough or if there's something wrong with me or if I'm going to have to drop my standards to find any potential husband or if said husband is going to be old and have fifty girlfriends before he finds me or if he's spent the last twenty some-odd years cooped up in his house studying to be a preacher and never meeting another girl. I don't have to fret that I'm 24 and not being a responsible American working over-time and driving a bright, new, shiny car with a super-hot boyfriend and hair that I spent three hours straightening. Or that I'm a stay-at-home writer who's living with her grandparents so she can teach part-time at an acting school for kiddos and has next to a panic attack at the thought of driving somewhere to meet new people, desperately hoping that will make her "normal" between the times that she's spending probing into the lives of imaginary people.
The hardest thing I'm doing now is getting my brain to think about anything besides God and His will.
Noon:
I headed down to the river to write a scene for Kael but got distracted listening to the sermon. God was still showing me quite a bit and I began typing out thoughts and things that the preacher said. Just after he changed topics about God being our safe harbor, I spied something from the corner of my eye and thought a stick was floating down the river. But it was wiggling about a foot from where my feet dangled. A thick diamond-backed, 15 inch snake. I gasped and scrambled onto the dock, watching it crawl onto the boat ramp and finally go into a crack, only to pop its head out again. It promptly tucked itself back in as I stepped down to walk back to the house after my heartrate returned to normal. I’m not normally freaked by snakes but this one really startled me, I was so intent on my work.
Then I began a new story that popped into my head - not a novel to be worked on every day but an inspired story that may help me work out what God's been teaching me.
The head of the library board contacted me and we set up the book signing for July 19th in Sweeny. I got her the things she requested and finished up a bit more of the story. Now I'm going to make lunch (Good thing I said I'd eat three times a day because I'm tempted to just skip or graze) and then I THINK I might actually be able to sit down and write for "The Captive". Mwaa-haa!
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